It’s hard to find yourself, to know who you are and what kind of life you want. Yeah, it sounds a 100% cliché, but for the past few weeks I’ve been putting a lot of things in question. I was lost, and I want to write about it because I believe that all of us go through this at least once in our lives. I don’t know if it can help you to find your path, but at least I hope it will make you realize that you are not alone. As human, we are all struggling with life.
I am no psychologist, and I have not experienced a trauma, the loss of a parent, I’ve never been homeless, I’ve had an happy childhood, my parents pay for my studies… I am not to be pity. But I am not happy. I don’t know if it’s because I am used to have more than needed. Maybe I am just a bitch brat, wanting more, more and even more. World is not turning for me, and I have to accept the fact that things don’t always happen the way I want them to. I am not in control, I have to let go, I know, I just can’t.
We dream our lives instead of living them. It feels good to imagine living amazing things all the time. But somehow it traps us in childhood, and it hurts even more when we come back to reality.
Since I’m graduate from High School, I don’t really know what I want. I wanted to study political sciences, but I went in Law School for a year, though I’ve never wanted to be a lawyer. Then I took a gap year, it was very helpful. It allowed me to take a step back and focus on myself. I missed going to school, to learn. I found my actual school : EFAP, which is a communication school. I like it, but I realized that I prefer writing articles, filming videos, editing… And it’s closer to journalism than communication.
But nothing is keeping me away from writing, and to become a journalist one day. Actually, 5 years ago I wanted to be a journalist. I don’t know why I gave up on that idea… I shouldn’t have gone to Law School, but it’s too late and regrets don’t lead anywhere. Since I’ve started my blog, I’ve realized how much I love to write, this freedom of speech, I can put on words my thoughts. I love the feeling of… I don’t even know how to describe what writing procures me. It makes me feel good, happy, useful. I gives me a reason to be alive. I was lost for 2 years, and now I know what I want. I want to keep writing, to keep learning, to keep moving on in my life. I want to live, to discover, to feel alive.
Maybe it’s utopic and that once again I will be frustrated for not having what I want, and then unhappy. I am such a pain in the ass ! Alway complaining. Ah, my poor dear parents and brothers who have to live with me ! I am so grateful to have a supporting family, even though I don’t like to show my feelings. I am very sensitive and fragile, so in order to preserve my self I hide my emotions. It becomes overwhelming and sometimes I just cry for nothing, or I am angry and mad at everyone. I’m like a ticking bomb, except that I don’t have a timer. Tic toc, tic toc… When does Marion gonna explode ? There is this Tic toc sound, without the count. So tormenting… But this is me, and I can’t help it. I am who I am, but at least I am.
It’s a constant effort to be alive, and it’s exhausting. We are all tired, stressed, looking for fame, money, success… Whatever we think will make us happy. What is happiness ? A feeling, an emotion, a thought ? We are unique, we have our own way to see and live things. We should stop comparing ourselves to others, to compares our lives to others’. We should focus on us, on our lives. Take some time to think, to take a step back. To ask ourselves « What do you want ? » Trust me, once you know where you’re going, it’s easier to find the good path to lead you there. No need for a compas, a map nor a boussole. You just need to follow your heart, your guts, your mind. There will always be obstacles. The question is : Are you ready to cross them ? You have to be bold, curious, crazy, brave, but more than anything, you have to be you. The only real obstacle which is making goals complicated to reach is our own self. It would be so great to have wings like a bird. Not having to follow the marked pathway… Wait, raise your head, open your eyes, you will see that you have already become one. Now fly.
Bisous, Marion.
Chronicles of Ada 